August 9, 2016 by Lyn
To Sheen: What do you plan on doing with Emrys when he Belongs to you?
Shahin answers on the Tuesday of the week Emrys Owns her:
Send him away for a day so I can breathe. Curl up in a big fuzzy robe, lock myself in my bedroom, and not talk to anyone for three hours. Then hang out with Ayla and Vi for the rest of the day. Just breathe. Just remember what it is to be me.
After that… that’s harder. It’s hard to think about it, like this. It’s hard to even think about not Belonging to him anymore. I don’t know how people do this – like the bartender, Callista – for years. How do you have any sense of self left at all?
(I guess it’s worth noting that I seem to have more self left than Agatha and Dysmas’s slaves. I don’t know if that’s because Agatha is a screaming bitch, but sometimes I get the feeling from Emrys that I’m not bending to his will as much as he expects me to).
I hate to admit it, but I didn’t really go into this with plans. I was caught up in the game Emrys and I were playing – are playing – and when he challenged me, I couldn’t help but answer the challenge. Somewhere deep inside, it burns a little bit that he might have planned it that way. I’m not used to being outmaneuvered, and I’m better than him. It shouldn’t have happened.
It’s hard to remember to try to win, sometimes, with this collar on. It’s like it’s stifling parts of my brain. But surviving this intact and proud is my goal. That’s the first half of my victory – keeping my head high and strong and never letting him know how close he’s come to places that no-one gets to touch.
The second part will be when I have my hands elbow-deep in his soul. He’s got vulnerabilities. He hides them relatively well, but he’s relaxed some of those protections this week, because he thinks he’s safe. He thinks Owning me means I’m not paying attention to every twitch and wince… which I believe means he’s never been Owned; because Belonging to him makes it impossible to ignore anything he does. Anything.
I don’t want to hurt him, even though I’m pretty sure he’s trying to break me. I think he’s doing that to get me to cry Uncle, to give up early, so that he never has to feel my collar close around his neck. I don’t want to destroy him, even though I think I could. I think I could do that now. I’m not sure what that would do to me, although I’m pretty sure it would be painful.
What I want is to know him. Every inch of him. Every twist and turn of his psyche. I want to lay him bare to me, and I want him to know what I’m doing. I want him to give up every last secret to me, even the ones he’s never even admitted to himself.
When I’ve done that, I’ll have won, and there will be nothing he can do to hurt me.