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Outtake: Porter


January 13, 2013 by Lyn

It was just past noon and I’d just finished drinking my breakfast when this dame walked into my office.

And not just any dame… the dame. The dame to beat all others. She had legs up to there, hair that wouldn’t quit, and a set of horns like the meanest ram on the mountainside.

Yes, I said horns. But that’s an ordinary day for me, as ordinary as a day can get, at least. The most beautiful dame in the world walks into my office – no, ordinary women walk. This one swiveled, she swayed, she strolled. This lovely dame strolls into my office, and she has horns curling around her ears.

Because I’m Porter Thomas, Cat detective. And if she has horns – or a tail, or hooves, or, gods forbid, all three – then I’m taking her business.

“What can I do for you, Miss?” I doffed my hat and tried to look respectable. The tie was probably a loss, but I straightened my shirtsleeves and tried to remember where I’d left my jacket.

Oh, that’s right. I’d hocked it for breakfast. I was hoping this dame had something going for her besides looks. Not that her looks weren’t amazing, but a man needed to eat once in a while.

“So, how can I help you, ma’am? Cat go missing? Boyfriend on the lam? Inheritance vanish in a cloud of smoke? Employer get a little too friendly with you?”

“All of that.” She leaned over my desk in a way that showed off everything she had and still left my imagination reeling. This was some dame, let me tell you.

It was the horns. It had to be the horns.

“All three.” Her voice was like my best whiskey. “All three of those, Mr. Cat Detective, and more.”

More. More was likely to get dangerous. On the other hand, more was likely to pay the bills, too. “It’ll cost you.”

“I can pay.” She leaned in close, so her breath was tickling my ear fur. “You see, Mr. Detective… the dishes are in sore need of doing.”

“…oh.” Damnit, why did the beautiful ones always have the hardest jobs. “Well, that’s gonna cost you, then.”


This story was written in response to Stryck’s donation and request for more Porter

For every $5US donated, I will write 300 words on the character or situation of your choice. In addition, every donation will bring you to a small snippet of story – a new snippet every Wednesday! Want more?




  1. Rix says:

    Oh Porter, what a come down! 🙂

  2. Gudy says:

    Hahahahaha! That was hilarious. And also kinda cute. I like it.

    Typo: “The must beautiful dame in the world” must -> most

  3. LilFluff says:

    Heh! I’m picturing a fallen face and a terrible struggle to remain in character right at that, “Oh.”

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